GRRRRR E?

GRE (i.e. Genuis' Revolutionary Envy)

The Graduate Record Examination is a standardized test that determines how prepared one is for graduate school. The prep class through the Kaplan company comes with things like online tutorials, practice tests, teachers who always are available for help, stress management seminars, etc.
Based on the three sessions so far, it is my opinion that there should be one more addition called “Attitude Adjustment.” Here is what I would put on the syllabus:

Class 1: The Rules
a. First and foremost, no matter what, if you have an opinion, it ain't no good no more. Disagreements with answers are not even like...well, just...no.
b. As stated in pg. 48 of the 465 page book: “CAUTION! Creative writers, beware! The GRE does not test poetic skill-Sentence Completions should always be interpreted literally, not imaginatively.”
Got it? Imagination is not appropriate behavior. Time out for all you imaginationers.

Class 39: Things to do in the classroom as well as test environment:
* In class:
a. Spill your gram cracker crumbs all over the spotless carpet and the smooth little table. Give the room, bright purple walls, and buzzing fluorescents some personality.
b. While your teacher teaches, with his Harvard bachelor’s and U. of Chicago MBA degrees, neat haircut, white toothed, enthusiastic-about-learning disposition, don’t think too much about what’s behind it all. Don’t bother to ask questions in your mind like:
How much was that shirt? Are you trying to look like a "snob" or is it just who you are? What’s behind that everything-is-in-my-reach attitude? Do you ever let trash acquire in the back of your car?

* In the Test Environment:
a. Throw up, cry, and fail.
b. After failing, go home, get in pink pajamas, curl up under blankees, and talk to your stuffed animal about how much you miss childhood when the biggest test of your intelligence was how high you could stack blocks.
g. Get up, throw down stuffed animal, get out and play your instrument in the subway station where the people who you know for two seconds as they drop a dollar into your case are who really understand you, and feel great about giving your art.


Class 2300: How to eliminate negativity that commonly occurs through the following:

- Cursing (if you don’t like cursing I’m sorry because I curse in this section…), and more specifically how to stop annoying phrases that occur all the time (ones that you remember from high school SAT preparation) such as:

“Who fucking cares?”
“This is bullshit.”
"Um, well, shit."
"Fuck this."

- And other less severe yet still bad thoughts:

“I don’t care.”
“I want to shoot the person who wrote this.”



Class ?: Solution:
* Say mantras over and over until negativity is eradicated:

“There is nothing better I could be doing right now than being here."

"I am so happy!”

“Despite my lugubrious mood, I have fervid veneration for this erudite material because it is so...good...that it is unassailable in its opulent appositeness to real life. No need to be foolhardy in my recalcitrant feelings toward standardized tests given my limpidity towards these things and quibble towards unemotional, artistic-diminishing crap...ah! uh, I mean...impedimenta. I will go outside and watch a bevy of quail fly by, and as I do so, think of the imperturbable freedom I crave, and if my score is particularly halycon (which would be scarily fortuitous), I will experience it myself.”