What We Talk About When We Talk About...

1. Hair

Answer this for me, my little chicklets. Why is it that the Red Sox get all this attention for shaving their beards, but when I go in for a hair cut, I GET NOTHING?! Actually, I get less than nothing. I lose three hours of my life breathing in toxic chemicals as my scalp screams, my bank account drains, and my inner child sobs while taking in celebrity gossip in People Magazine circa 1993. Why wasn't I born as a male pro athlete?

(Fyi, I will be donating this mess in the spring, because I AM A GOOD PERSON, right?).

2. Halloween

For those of you who accept me for who I am (if you're reading this, you're on that track), you know that nothing gives me so much of an endorphin rush/rise/natural high as pulling off a great Halloween costume.

I mean nothing. Not even breathing.

That's why this entry might seem like the tip of the iceberg of an extreme narcissist.
Don't worry, though. I promise, I am not [that much of] a narcissist. I just think these topics are worth discussing.

The criteria for these costumes are the following:

• very politically incorrect
• borderline offensive
• use of eye liner
• sometimes the use of fake tanner.

Let's recall the moments in time when I shined the most.

• 2004: Baby Spice (of the Spice Girls)

• 2008: Ozzy Osbourne

• 2010: Octomom

• 2011: Occupy Wall Street

• 2012: Tanorexic Mom

• 2013: Paula Dean

What happened in between 2005 and 2008? you might be wondering.
I don't remember, is the answer, which can only mean one thing. Or several.


3. Vegetables



I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT! I...am...now..a...

vegetarian.

Am I crazy? you might ask.
You know it, and that's why you like me.

The reasons for this decision include the following:

• I love animals.
• I may have been brainwashed by pro-vegetarianism documentaries on netflix.
• I want to singlehandedly save the planet from selfish, global-warming-inducing jerk politicians. That along with donating my hair makes me A GOOD PERSON, right?

Additionally, I want to do it for me, and for all those other chicklets out there who just...wish they could be me.

Sigh.

HOWEVER, I want to be clear. I know I'm not, but I want to be.

I am not trying to brainwash you, chicklets. EAT WHAT YOU WANT.

Now you can roll your eyes and judge me for being weird and making it difficult to go out to dinner with me, even though it isn't difficult for YOU.

4. Falling

•  Falling back for daylight savings time: I HATE IT. 
•  Fall in New England: I LOVE IT.