Sunday, March 23, 2014

Attitude Adjustment Hour

The Bachelor is one of the degrading, horrific, and pathetic parts of American pop culture. That is why I not only watch it, but also record it, every week.


Here is the most important part of this last season:





Translation:

Juan Pablo: "It's okay! [Bleeeep] [something intelligable]"
Caresses girl's eyeball.

Girl: Waves his hand away from her eyeball and says, "Don't mess up my makeup."




I just saved you the trouble of watching the entire season. So you're welcome. 


***


Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about my attitude, which becomes really scary when the weather gets cold.







So like, I need to get over it. I'm not talking about my use of the word "like," which I've resisted in the 18 years I spent in the heartland of "like."

I'm talking about my attitude. I know that winter is the real deal, and that I should be somewhat used to it now after like six years, but...well...I have no real end to that sentence.


Let's go back to The Bachelor now.


...


Luckily, every season ends, not just of The Bachelor, but also winter. Unless of course, if doesn't.

The best thing about winter are the comforts to the rough moments, like

1. Good uncles who get you out of a parking space.


2. Trips to Las Vegas. 




Let's talk about Vegas for a second as it relates to The Bachelor. 

Why, chicklets, do young women not of my style dress like they just bought the latest piece of dental floss for $100 to wear around their mid sections, walk in shoes that can kill them, and think it's fun?






What is the sociological implication of desperation in the 21st century as it was established by atheism in the middle ages in the suburbs of what was once the ancient peoples of the civilization of Sumar?

 ***

Additionally, I have other coping mechanisms for winter.


3. Others who are equally as angry (thanks to the internet for this uncredited video):




***

The biggest comfort though, is my new entrepreneurial venture.
Drum roll...




My positivity journal.



WTF (Why, That's Fabulous), you're probably thinking.


In the six days since I bought this meager stack of lined-paper for $18 at a bird sanctuary serving as a sanctuary store, I think I've had real success.



Entry #1: I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING BY HAND SINCE I WAS 12. I REALLY MISS THE GLOW OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN. But the girl on The Bachelor missed her only child who she left for three months to "find love," and then didn't actually find love, so I'll survive this. 







Entry #217: I am being negative right now. Not.


Cheer up though, chicklets. I know you're going through the same stuff I am, and if there's one thing better than misery, it is company.

So let's all caress each other's eye balls and get through this together. One episode at a time, straight on 'till summer